A Mother’s Perseverence…

Matrescence Tales

Matrescence Tales

Written by TKP

When was your baby born?

June 2023

Where was your baby born?

B.C. Women’s Hospital

Can you share your birth story?

After arriving at the hospital, my mind was put at ease as I was immediately placed on monitors and I could see that the heart rates for the babies were okay. Soon after, I was taken up to the operating room and was prepared for the surgery. I had a significant reaction to the epidural and my blood pressure dropped quite a bit and I had an out of body experience - I was trying to get off the operating table and at the same time I wasn't sure if I would make it. I later found out that my IV had not been connected properly and I wasn't receiving the medication I needed to help maintain my blood pressure. This was sorted, and once I started regaining clarity in my brain, I had a significant emotional reponse and started crying. I made eye contact with the pediatrician and the obstetrician and both had tears in their eyes as well. It had been such a long journey for us and I couldn't believe we had actually made it to that point. I will never forget the kindness of the pediatrician in putting my mind at ease at that point. She emphasized that my girls had made it to 35 weeks and that they were going to be fine and that they would be placed on my chest once they were born if they had vigorous cries. With that, the c-section proceeded, and thankfully my girls did come out crying immediately and I had the both of them on my chest immediately with dad right beside us. I remember hearing how little they weighed right after that and thinking, holy crow they are tiny! Almost 4 pounds and almost 5 pounds!

What do you wish you had known going into the birth? What are you proud of?

I didn't realize how swollen my feet would be after the c section! The very experienced obstetrician warned me of this when he saw me the day after birth and I didn't believe him, but with the twins, the amount of fluid I had accumulated by the end of the pregnancy was astounding and a few days after birth, my feet looked like elephant trunks. It actually lasted quite a while and took a couple of months to completely go away.

I'm proud of growing two babies. It's marvelous!

What did the first few days/weeks look like? Emotionally/mentally/physically. Any tips you could share?

We went straight to the NICU after birth for 11 days and honestly, I feel like it was such a lovely transition to parenthood. Having a hospital bed post c section for that length of time was a dream. The nursing staff at the BC Women's NICU is phenomenal and taught us so much. We had so many visitors while we were there and it was such a joy to be showered with love and to share our little darlings with our family and friends. It wasn't stressful to be in the NICU because our girls were doing reasonably well and just needed to get strong enough to eat on their own in order to come home.

After the NICU, we stayed with my mom for 6 weeks. This was a challenging transition - at that point, the sleep deprivation caught up to us and I felt emotionally unstable and vulnerable in a way I had not experienced before. At times, conversations with my own mother would be interpreted as criticism for the way I was parenting and I was particularly obsessed with breastfeeding and spent probably an unhealthy amount of time reading blogs and forums on breastfeeding and how to do it with twins. I remember having visual hallucinations and thinking that the babies were crying when I'd be in the shower. That being said, it was also such a special time. We loved spending time with the girls and enjoyed the coos and the cuddles. Our family loved bonding with them. I remember in particular enjoying our daily walks in the evening sun.

In terms of tips, I would say accept the help that is offered. We are so grateful to our families for supporting us during those first couple of months in particular. It can be a bit suffocating to constantly be with others, and I certainly felt those feelings too, but I am also thankful for that support and for the opportunity my family had to bond with the newest additions!

How have you found the transition to motherhood? What has been the hardest part?

It is so full on! I feel like half my time is thinking about what the girls are going to eat next. I love them, I love having this sense of purpose, and now that they are getting a bit older, I love seeing their personalities develop. They are so much fun and so exhausting at the same time. I want to be around them constantly and then am happy to get a break. I go to work and look at photos of them all day. The hardest part is letting go of the guilt I feel when I intentionally do things for myself. I feel sometimes that because I work I should spend all of my non working hours with them, but it is so important to fit in exercise and self care, and I am giving myself more grace to allow myself those moments of peace and solitude.

What is one thing you wish you had known going into postpartum? Any other tips/advice for our moms?

I think I knew this kind of abstractly, but there is truly so little you can control about the postpartum process. The emotions, the baby, the day to day. Things change so quickly. You really don't know what your baby's temperament will be, and then it might change anyhow.

One of the things I have worked on most is letting go and enjoying the moments as they come. We have had some challenges in our family with our elders being unwell and we moved in with my in laws to help support family. Being around this number of people has been a challenge for me, as I am used to my own space and alone time, but I have shifted my mindset (as much as I can!) to see the bright side of this journey and to appreciate the people around me for who they are, and to allow for family members to help us as well.

Also - mom rage is a real thing. You may experience moments where you want to pull your hair out, yell at the universe or throw your duvet on to the floor at 3 am (this last did actually occur at the hands of dad). You may make some wildly irrational comments to your partner in the throes of sleep deprivation. Allow yourself grace and kindness and keep moving forward.

How do you feel like your identity has shifted? What strategies have helped re-connect with yourself?

My identity is now mom, and then there are the other things I was before I became mom. I love this shift and I love the connection I have with my girls. There is no sweeter sound than their giggles or laughter, or them yelling MAMA and pointing at the floor next to them for me to sit down. However, as much as I love this, at around 10 months I felt like I couldn't stay at home any more and needed other parts of me to re-emerge. I returned to work but was able to cut my schedule back a little bit, so I usually spend a couple weeks with the girls with them most of the time, and then a couple weeks at work. I find this to be a great balance and allows me to maintain my work identity. I also have made sure to connect with friends regularly, and many of them have children the same age as mine which has been wonderful. It has been so nice to run things by friends and to hear their approaches on how to tackle toddler challenges. I have tried to incorporate exercise where I can, as well as podcasts on my drive on various topics.

What are you proud of so far in your motherhood journey?

I am proud of becoming a mother. I didn't think it would be possible at one point. After our third pregnancy loss, I wasn't sure I had the strength to try again. I'm so glad I persevered, because the joy I have with my girls is something so special and I have so much gratitude for having the good fortune to experience it.

❤️