From one to two…

Matrescence Tales

Matrescence Tales

Written by GVS

When were your babies born?

February 2021 and June 2023

Where were your babies born?

The Royal Women’s, Melbourne, Australia, and B.C. Women’s Hospital, Vancouver.

Can you share your birth story?

Australia, the summer of 2020. We arrived at 11 weeks pregnant, just after covid kicked off. It was a surreal time... the army came on to our plane and escorted us off, and we were taken straight into hotel quarantine for two weeks… not even having the luxury of having an open window in our room. My first task was attempting to get a family doctor. I called a clinic in Melbourne and they (amazingly!) asked if I could come in the next day (sorry, I was locked up). That was the first taste of experiencing a much more efficient healthcare system. 

We were with a “midwife team” for the duration of the pregnancy… we saw a different person for each appointment, but everyone was lovely. I was lucky enough to have a relatively good pregnancy (lockdown meant that I couldn’t work, so it was very relaxing!). Half way through I started experiencing severe bouts of vertigo that would hit me at any moment, and leave me feeling drained and nauseous for the rest of the day. I remember almost vomiting over a balcony over Melbourne’s Swanston Street as I stumbled back to my seat at dinner, after it hit me alone in the toilets. Brutal! Thankfully it only happened a couple of times a week. When we went in for our 36 week appointment, it looked like baby was measuring large. I believe they estimated 99th percentile… and I’m more on the petite side. At 38 weeks, and after presenting us with all the options, they asked us how we wanted to proceed. Our philosophy was whatever was safest for baby. They advised I probably had about a 5% chance of delivering successfully naturally… successfully didn’t necessarily mean pleasantly. After finding out my husband was in healthcare, they were a little more open as to what they would do if they were in our situation. Scheduled c-section it was. 

NBA finals & a couple of days off from parenting a toddler… what a holiday! (Jk!)

At that point, Melbourne had undergone the longest (& maybe strictest?) lockdown in the world… there was less than 5 covid cases in the whole country, and everything was open. We made a dinner reservation at a fancy Melbourne restaurant for our last supper. That morning, I had a shower, got dressed, and two hours later, we had a baby! It was extremely smooth… honestly the sorest thing was the resident anaesthesiologist putting in the IV (to be fair, I left with bruises all over my hand - he butchered it!). Our baby ended up being 8lb 11, not the biggest, but definitely on the larger side. The c-section was totally fine… you don’t really feel anything, apart from your body being tugged around. The resident was struggling to get the baby out… eventually the consultant took over, who had to use forceps to get her dislodged (I didn’t even know that was a thing during c-sections), so that definitely reassured me that we made the right decision.

We stayed in hospital for 3 nights in our own room with a queen bed, which was nice as my husband could sleep with me. Really, it was all a blur of lots of checks, lots of meds, lots of baby cuddles. Night two though?! Absolutely brutal… night one they’re all sleepy and recovering from the birth, and apparently night two is when they actually realize they’re out in the world. That’s when sleep starts to go drastically downhill…

We had our second baby at Women’s in Vancouver, and opted to go for a c-section since we’d had such a great experience first time around. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, you know? It also went smoothly… honestly the couple of days in the hospital felt like a little break (we had a rowdy toddler at home!). There was a significant difference in the level of care compared to our experience in Melbourne… which may have been just due to the staff that we got (I think she was casual, and they were short staffed). Having done this before, we were keen to get out but waited around for hours and the discharge information was… severely lacking. There was also a miscommunication with being transferred to the midwife team for follow up, so I didn’t have my first appointment for a week and a half after discharge. Quite a difference to 6 home visits in the first week in Australia. When I had my OB check at 6 weeks, it turns out I had an infection. I had no idea… no wonder I was feeling like crap. I had been neglecting myself from the get-go…

What do you wish you had known going into the birth? What are you proud of?

Our little Australian bubble

I went in pretty open-minded without any expectations… I don’t think there was anything specific I wish I would’ve known. That might have been different if I hadn’t had a c-section, as there’s so many more unknowns. During pregnancy, I did do an online Hypnobirthing course… I’m not really into that kind of meditative stuff, but I’d been recommended it, and I did find that it helped to improve my knowledge of the stages of the birthing process, and how best to approach decision-making, which I think is important. What am I proud of? I think being confident about my decision to go for the c-section first time around, and not letting the societal pressures of giving birth “naturally” impact my decision. It was absolutely the safest choice for us in that situation. And also of how my husband and I handled things being alone in Australia… without any support and him back to work after 2.5 weeks, it was kind of a blessing in disguise as we were in a little bubble that meant we got to find our groove as a new family of 3. 

What did the first few days/weeks look like? Emotionally/mentally/physically. Any tips you could share?

Being brave and going for my first ever public breastfeed… I don’t know why it’s so nervewracking! I chose a deserted park… ;-)

Firstly, breastfeeding was absolutely brutal. I didn’t really know this, but I was experiencing pain pretty much after the first day. I’ve since heard that this is common, and now I completely understand why some people aren’t able to do it, despite the best intentions. I was lucky that we had unlimited access to a lactation consultant… so that’s the first tip I would give: before you leave the hospital, ask to see a lactation consultant for them to check your latch, even if you’re having issues or not. Even asking every midwife who comes in to check, as everyone has different tips in their toolbox. I ended up having to take a break and rented a hospital grade pump to let them heal. RiteAid Hydrogel Breast Discs were a lifesaver (available on Amazon, but expensive as they’re an Australian product; I think there’s alternatives available here). I would definitely have something like this on hand. Day 3 was when the tears came…a big hormonal shift happens in your body, and combined with sleep deprivation & pain, it kind of just hits you. Otherwise make sure you have lots of snacks around, try to keep eating well, and rest as much as possible. I found that the first 2 weeks you are just in survival mode. It probably took me about 6 weeks to come up for air and feel like I could start leaving the house more regularly. 

How have you found the transition to motherhood? What has been the hardest part?

I found the transition from one kid to two, the hardest. Our oldest had just dropped her nap, and was entering the ‘terrible twos’, which meant that finding pockets of alone time was non-existant. Looking back, for me at least, I found toddlerhood much more challenging than the newborn phase. Our oldest is very strong-willed… a trait I am extremely grateful for, but is very hard to manage in toddler form. Screaming, running away, defiance… there was no space for trying to settle the baby for nap time… it would just be a throw-her-in-the-crib situation while my oldest was clambering all over me. It tests you and brings out character flaws you didn’t know existed. Feeling ‘touched out’, and that combination of mom rage, which leads to guilt, combined with the shift in identity and lack of any sort of personal time and space is a hard concoction to manage. It drained the life out of me. There were days when I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror. Looking back, I probably had a touch of postnatal depression, or at least, a severe case of postnatal depletion.

What is one thing you wish you had known going into postpartum? Any other tips/advice for our moms?

Our Aussie baby group

Just how truly hard and lonely it can feel at times. Which is funny, because I’m pretty sure every mother in the world has felt the same (at least to some degree) at some point. And you can have the most supportive partner in the world, but I think it’s really hard to explain and for them to understand everything that’s going on for you. Especially when they have their own pressures going on at work, and you are ‘at home’ with the baby. It sounds easier, but we all know it isn’t necessarily. Having a strong relationship and systems in place to keep communication a priority is key… it’s very easy to fall into roommate mode and to have resentment build slowly.

Otherwise, I think trying to set yourself up for success beforehand can be helpful to get off on the right foot. Read up on feeding and settling strategies, hunger & sleepy cues, awake windows, batch cook, make a list of supports you can call on & consider how you’re going to prioritize your own recovery (we often forget this part!). I found it helpful to get out and about, so you might also want to do some research as to mom and baby groups you’ll want to join once you’re ready (check out our own MotherFlock group!).

How do you feel like your identity has shifted? What strategies have helped re-connect with yourself?

Uluru: With our first, we tried to continue travelling as much as possible (so much easier when they’re little!)

I’ve gone from being a teacher, who enjoyed adventuring and trying new hobbies & sports, someone who is very independent and enjoyed my alone time… to getting none of it. It almost feels like all aspects of what makes you YOU, disappears. And I think this is what contributes to making everything else (especially the sleep deprivation and the constantly serving others) feel so hard. It is inevitable that some resentment is going to build up as a result. Due to various international moves, I’ve now been a stay-at-home mom for almost 4 years. This is a privilege, I know, but hard, invaluable work that society needs to see more value in. For me, it started getting better at one year postpartum. I’d stopped breastfeeding, and started pencilling in some more time out of the house. The three things that helped me start re-connecting with myself: exercising, listening to podcasts & audiobooks, and getting some kid-free time outside of the home (that did not involve running errands!). It feels like I’ve lost who I am… but I know I’m now on a journey to finding my way as a newer, stronger me.

What are you proud of so far in your motherhood journey?

Surviving on coffee and croissants

Honestly, there’s a lot I’m not proud of. The mom rage, the fact that the first couple of years just feel like a blur that I can’t remember, and how I’m showing up irritated and overwhelmed. But I’m trying to change my thinking. I’m proud that despite the challenges, we’re raising strong girls with personality. Because let’s be honest, the world needs more strong women! And I’m proud that I’m now coming out the hard days seeing how important it is to prioritize myself. Putting everyone else first does not do anyone any favours. Our needs, our interests, our identity… prioritizing these are what makes us the best mom we can be.