Re-claiming My “Self”…

Matrescence Tales

Matrescence Tales

Written by JL

When was your baby born? 

July 2024

Where was your baby born? 

B.C. Women’s Hospital, Vancouver

Can you share your birth story?

I went into Labour on July 1st at 10:30 am while I was doing a workout! It was 3 days before my due date. I followed my doctors instructions and called on call doctor at the hospital, who gave me very clear instructions about when to come to the hospital (the 4-1-1 rule- you have contractions every 4 mins, for at least 1 min, for one hour long). This seemed clear to follow, but as my husband and I started timing, my contractions were just all over the place and no true pattern was emerging. After about 2 hours things started getting really painful and I tried calling again, but the doctor was in surgery. I just listened to my mom-to-be gut and we headed to the hospital.

I was really nervous that I would be sent back home to wait it out, but luckily after a nurse checked me I was 4cm dilated and that was enough to admit me. It turns out my mom gut was right! I had also tested positive for strep B, so they were wanting to start IV antibiotics for that as soon as possible. My husband checked me in while they prepared a labour and delivery room for me, and parked the car. The nurse then walked us upstairs to our room.

By this time it was about 3:30 PM. Once I was in the room, they checked on the baby and started my antibiotics. The anesthesiologist was there quickly to administer my epidural. I was SUPER nervous about this since I have a massive fear of needles, but it was nothing compared to the pain of my contractions. The freezing needle actually poked and burned a bit, but it did its job and I didn’t feel the actual epidural at all! The epidural worked like a charm and I felt no contractions anymore instantly.

At 4:30PM my doctor on call came to check me- I was still 4cm, but my water hadn’t broken yet so he broke it himself. There was meconium in the water- indicating my daughter had already pooped inside me. He explained that I would be hooked up to monitors that continuously monitored our baby’s heart rate and the contractions just to keep an eye on everything. They also checked my temp every 15 mins.

Then, the waiting game began! The period between 4:45 and 9:30 were super relaxing to be honest. I didn’t feel any pain because of the epidural and my husband and I watched the office and chatted with our nurses, waiting for our baby girl.

Unfortunately, things unexpectedly turned when I developed an infection called “Chorio”. I started shaking, but the nurses said that sometimes the epidural medication could cause that. But then shortly after, I spiked a fever, began vomiting, and baby’s heart rate shot up all within 5 mins. Many more nurses and doctors entered the room and it was explained to us what was happening. They took some blood to confirm the infection and started more IV antibiotics. They said baby’s heart rate was high, but that it was okay and they were keeping an eye on things. In the meantime, they also began talking to us about the possibility of a c-section. I felt very scared and overwhelmed but my husband did an amazing job at calming me (even though later on he also admitted how scary it was for him too).

I was checked again at 10:00 PM and I was a full 10cm dilated, so they said that I could try and push her out. I pushed for about an hour, but at that point not enough progress had been made and her heart rate was still high. They gave me an option of forceps or a c - section, and we decided on a c-section to get her out as quickly as possible.

I felt very scared that my seemingly calm and relaxed labour had taken such a traumatic turn. So many things happened within the span of 15 mins and all of a sudden, we were faced with so many decisions. Once we decided on the c section, they were wheeling me down to the OR within a few mins. They took me into the OR by myself while my husband got ready in a different room. I can’t say I remember what was happening in that OR before my husband came because I was really overwhelmed and scared, but I do know that nurses, doctors and surgeons did an amazing job at keeping me calm.

Once my husband joined me it was 11:20, and they surgery began. I was so nervous but felt absolutely nothing. Baby girl arrived at 11:30 PM and cried with healthy set of lungs! I couldn’t believe it when I heard her for the first time- it didn’t even feel real. She got to come over to my chest right away since she cried and we had a snuggle for a few mins. Then, my husband got to accompany her while they weighed her and did some tests. She was placed back on me while they closed me up and wheeled me to recovery afterwards.

I look back on my birth story as being traumatic for me- I never thought I would end up in an emergency c section after a healthy pregnancy with no complications. But all that matters is that our baby arrived safe and sound and it truly doesn’t matter to me now how that happened. No matter what, it’s still one of the best days of our lives

What do you wish you had known going into the birth? What are you proud of?

Going into birth, I wish that I had researched more about a c-section and what that entailed. As I mentioned, I was maybe a bit naive and thought there was no way I would end up needing one (none of my friends or family had needed an emergency c-section during birth, so I just thought maybe they weren’t that common). I don’t regret choosing that option for the birth of my daughter because it got her here safely, but I had no idea what the recovery would entail. I’m really grateful that my husband was home for 8 weeks afterwards because I needed a lot of physical help to care for our baby in those first few weeks, and I couldn’t lift anything heavy or drive. I wish I had been more prepared for that possibility. I am most proud of just going through the birthing experience! Giving birth is compared to the most pain a human can physically endure, and women are powerhouses for doing that. I am proud of myself for birthing a baby, and working hard to help my body come back from that.

What did the first few days/weeks look like? Emotionally/mentally/physically. Any tips you could share?

The first few days and weeks were a blur! We were in the hospital for 3 nights because of the c-section, and truly nothing can prepare you for the overnight change in your life (especially when it’s your first, and you’ve never done this before!). You all of a sudden love someone SO much and are happy to be on call to them when they need you, but it’s also exhausting when you’re trying to recover and it’s okay to feel that too. Make sure you have a team mate there with you whether it’s your partner, a parent, a friend- it will get overwhelming in waves and your person will help you. The weeks to follow at home were very tough physically for me because of surgery recovery- it was impossible to get up and down from a chair or my bed independently which made it hard when I wanted to respond to my baby’s cries. I could not have done that without my husband. Emotionally and mentally, I remember feeling very happy as a little family unit, and that even though we were so tired and overwhelmed, it felt very special to be doing and learning it all together. The biggest emotional and mental hurdle I had was with breastfeeding. We worked for weeks on it, and I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t successful at it. I felt like a massive maternal failure. Eventually, we found out our daughter had a tongue tie and that’s why she couldn’t latch. By that time she was bottle dependent, so we stuck with bottle feeding since she was doing well and gaining weight.

How have you found the transition to motherhood? What has been the hardest part?

The transition to motherhood has been beautiful, exciting, overwhelming, and anxiety-inducing all at the same time. I always knew I wanted to be a mother. I had siblings and close friends who had had kids before me and I really thought I knew what to expect, and what kind of mother I wanted to be. But the truth is, there are so many factors you cannot control that determine your motherhood journey. As mentioned above, feeding was a huge thing I struggled with, as well as the emergency c section that really impeded all of my postpartum summer new mom plans. At around 5 months postpartum when sleep started to find its rhythm, we had feeding down, and physically I was able to get back to doing most exercise pain-free, I felt more like the mom I had envisioned myself being. I look back on those first 5 months now and recognize that the hardships in that were all part of the journey (that’s still going on). Luckily you have cute little newborn cuddles to help get you through. For me, the hardest part was the lack of sleep. For the first bit you’re on adrenaline and that gets you through, but it is very exhausting on top of all the hormonal changes. My biggest advice for that is to switch each other off as much as you can, or have a family member or friend come over to give you a couple hours of rest. You can’t give from an empty bucket!

What is one thing you wish you had known going into postpartum? Any other tips/advice for our moms?

This might sound crazy, but going into postpartum I wish that I had known that even though your life will feel like it’s turned completely upside down for awhile, that it’ll all figure itself out and be okay. There will be hard phases that feel like they will last forever, but they won’t. There were moments that I felt like pieces of myself would never come back, but they have. And they’re even more beautiful now that I have this new addition to my life. A great piece of advice I got from seasoned moms in my life was “this too shall pass”- and that’s what I’ll pass along!

How do you feel like your identity has shifted? What strategies have helped re-connect with yourself?

I have had tons of conversations with my husband about my changing identity. Before being a mom, I viewed myself as a teacher, a runner, an athlete, and had a really active social life. All of that was put on complete hold for a few months, and while I have slowly been able to get back to things, they look different. I’m still not able to run, but I have found new ways of moving my body that I enjoy (I found a Pilates program that I can do in 20 mins when my daughter takes her nap). Now that my daughter is older and awake for longer periods, I strap her in the carrier and invite friends out for walks, or go grab myself a coffee and a treat. I have started going to drop in baby classes to interact with other new parents in our area. My husband and I make a huge effort to allow each other to attend social events and help keep that balance in our lives. My life feels different, but 6 months postpartum I am feeling more comfortable and confident in my “pre-mom life” coming into my “mom life”. I feel like I am learning how to merge them more successfully.

What are you proud of so far in your motherhood journey?

I am proud of my resilience. Before becoming a mom, I thought of myself as a pretty resilient person, but nothing can prepare you for the amount of resilience you need when you become a mom. These past 6 months have been filled with beautiful moments that have changed my life for the better, but there have also been hard days and weeks, questioning if I would ever sleep again, have a moment to myself again, feel strong and healthy again. You have no choice but to push through, and I’m proud of myself for that. I am proud of myself for coming out the other side and finding new ways to welcome back my old self into my new life as a mother.

❤️