Facing the fear… and doing it anyway!

Matrescence Tales

Matrescence Tales

Written by SM

When was your baby born?

September 2023

Where was your baby born?

B.C Women’s Hospital, Vancouver, B.C.

Can you share your birth story?

After almost 18 hours of contractions at home, my labour wasn't progressing, but I was so tired and in so much pain I needed some answers and some relief. We are lucky that we live somewhat close to Women's so we went there thinking we would come home later with some pain management medication and then go to bed. That was NOT the case! After checking that I was only 1 cm dilated (GROAN!) the nurse left to get some pain meds for me to take home saying that there was not much else they could do for me.

As I was getting ready to leave, my water broke, just like it does in the movies. The pain went from a 5 to a 10 immediately. At that point I shut my eyes and didn't open them for a while. Apparently I was screaming yet I don't remember that at all. I was admitted and taken upstairs to a room to receive an epidural. It took 3 people to pin me down to ensure that I didn't move while the needle and tube were going in. After it kicked in I was able to open my eyes again and have a conversation with my caregivers about what had happened. We even got to sleep for a few hours.

When I woke up, I was 10 cm dilated and my mid-wife said it was time to start pushing. I didn't feel any urge or urgency too, but I figured I'd follow her guidance. With help from our doula, I tried a variety of pushing positions for just over 3 hours. The nurses were getting worried about my baby's heart rate so the NICU team and many other doctors came in (my eyes had closed again so I didn't see much of what was happening). Eventually a doctor took over and told me that I was going to need episiotomy as my baby's head was struggling to move any further down.

After the cut was made, everything happened so quickly and my baby came out. They were worried about her breathing and some fluid in her lungs so she was connected to some tubes and wires. Within an hour she was able to breathe on her own and they were able to remove all the equipment...and I was able to open my eyes again!

What do you wish you had known going into the birth? What are you proud of?

I had taken prenatal classes and met with both a counsellor and a doula in advance of birth, so I was able to ask a lot of questions and express my concerns and anxiety. I was scared of birth from start to finish. I am proud of myself for advocating for myself at times during the process and asking for clarification and understanding of what was going on, especially when things got really scary.

What did the first few days/weeks look like? Emotionally/mentally/physically. Any tips you could share?

A total blur, but I felt like super woman. My husband was so tired and an emotional wreck, but I felt like I could do anything. I was up every 3 hours, feeding and doing whatever I needed to to tend her. I had trouble breastfeeding off the top, experiencing severe pain, but we worked with a nurse and were able to find a solution.

How have you found the transition to motherhood? What has been the hardest part?

The transition has been a wild rollercoaster. I knew that things would change with my husband and our marriage, but I didn't realize to what extent. Communication between us has been a focus because it has been so difficult. I felt, and still do, that my life got completely turned upside down and yet his continued on almost the same. This has been a hard pill for me to swallow and accept.

What is one thing you wish you had known going into postpartum? Any other tips/advice for our moms?

I wish I knew what PMDD was. I have recently discovered that I have this and am struggling to decide on a way to manage the emotions that come with it every month. I'm glad I reached out to my counsellor and my doctor right away when I noticed patterns.

How do you feel like your identity has shifted? What strategies have helped re-connect with yourself?

I am still figuring out my "identity" and am working on figure out what my priorities are, such as my interests. I haven't found any hobbies outside of work and caring for my daughter yet, but I think that will help me reconnect with myself.

What are you proud of so far in your motherhood journey?

I am proud of myself for opening myself up to new connections and friendships. I'm not very outgoing and have trouble connecting with people I don't know well. Once I had a baby, I knew I needed to find people who understood what I was going through...and who were also not at work all day, Monday to Friday. I have made some amazing friendships with some great women, and our babies have known each other since birth or even since the womb! I am also proud of myself for finishing my Masters degree during my maternity leave. There were so many times when I wanted to put it off or drop a course, but I pushed through with support from my family. We made a plan, some days were harder than others, but I was able to return to work with new credentials!

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