The Rollercoaster Ride they call Motherhood

Matrescence Tales

Matrescence Tales

Written by SL

When was your baby born?

January 2022

Where was your baby born?

B.C. Women’s Hospital

Can you share your birth story?

As is the case for most people, my birth story was vivid down to the last detail during my first week postpartum, and now it's a blurry haze. Our due date for baby boy was Jan 4th, 2022. On Dec 31st, my partner and I had the dullest, most uneventful New Years Eve party we've ever had, watching YouTube videos of fireworks displays around the world. I remember having two sips of champagne at midnight to commemorate the new year to come and 3 hours later my mucus plug released while I was sleeping. Think warm wet dream :( I couldn't fall asleep but I wasn't having contractions until 6am. Morning contractions felt like a little tickle compared to what was coming. I went for a walk with the dog, baked a lasagna and cleaned the house which is the last time I was ever able to do all those three activities in one afternoon ever again. By 2pm my contractions were steady and moderately uncomfortable. We called our midwife who reported that our contraction timing was close but that we sounded rather calm and she wasn't so sure we were ready to present to hospital yet. So we waited. But by 3pm they felt like painful cramps coupled with a stabbing feeling. We got in the car and drove to the hospital. I was 8cm dilated, so they admitted me quite fast. Although I originally requested to have no epidural in the birth plan and to have a water birth, I was so desperate to survive the pain that I immediately requested it upon arrival. My baby had other plans and before they could get me set up for the epidural I was pushing in a squat position to get him out. We tried two positions: standing/squatting and the classic reclined on the bed with feet propped up. I had a midwife, a nurse and my husband in the room with me. I remember my legs spasming and cramping uncontrollably more than the pushing itself. After an hour and a half of pushing, my little guy decided to join the party, but not before giving his mom a little tear in the vajayjay. I was told I had a "standard tear" whatever that means! I was elated to finally meet my baby so nothing really trumped that. After the adrenaline wore off, however, my birth story ended and my postpartum struggles with breastfeeding and postpartum depression trickled in when we got home. So there it is, my birth story was just the beginning of the rollercoaster ride they call motherhood.

What do you wish you had known going into the birth? What are you proud of?

To pace myself with expectations because it would be a long road post delivery. I'm proud of my strength during labor.

What did the first few days/weeks look like? Emotionally/mentally/physically. Any tips you could share?

Honestly, they were the darkest and brightest days I've had all in one. Breastfeeding and expectations I put on myself as a new mom were unrealistic. I was hard on myself and even though I don't follow social media for "trends" or recommendations, I felt like I was doing everything wrong. I cried almost every other day. I should have seen a therapist within a month or two of delivery but I was too focused on nursing my baby or other things. It was helpful to have the moms from my connecting pregnancy group to chat with and I made lifelong friends from that group as well.

How have you found the transition to motherhood? What has been the hardest part?

Hard in the beginning, especially the first 3 years for me. Letting go of your life pre-motherhood is a tough one. Even though people all around you tell you your world shouldn't revolve around your kids, you still end up having your life flipped upside down no matter how hard you try to return to old activities. But eventually the slow acceptance of a new pace and new activities becomes palatable and then, enjoyable.

What is one thing you wish you had known going into postpartum? Any other tips/advice for our moms?

Where to begin? It's difficult because too much information is overload and anxiety provoking. I would just say that the most important thing is to honour the experience aside from any expectations out there. Try not to focus on "getting it right" and instead focus on what works for you.

How do you feel like your identity has shifted? What strategies have helped re-connect with yourself?

At first I fought the identity change and tried to show others i was still the same but the more I tried to do that the more exhausted I became. I've ended up reading a lot on self compassion and talking to a therapist. My partner and I carve out alone time on a weekly basis.

What are you proud of so far in your motherhood journey?

The amount of love I have for my child. I'm not a very feely person so this is kinda huge.

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